Sometimes, I want to be a SAHM

I am becoming to feel a little jealous nowadays.

During the time that Nanay is looking after James, I was complaining that I never had a time for myself. Whenever I am home, I am the one in-charge in taking care of James. I have to look after him and make asikaso on everything that he needs except washing his milk bottles because most of the time, Nanay wants to get it done right away so she ends up doing the chores. What I do is to bathe James, put him to sleep in the morning before I go to work and play with him. Nanay doesn't have the time and energy to play with James. She's a bit old and tired to play with my very handful baby. She sometimes doesn't have much patience with him, probably because she's been taking care of her grandchildren most of her life and was in the edge of being too old? I guess..

I can still remember myself getting annoyed when I can't even pee. You can't leave James alone specially if he's not in the crib because he will either bump his head or he will eat everything that he touches.

But boy, things changed. The other night, I came home hearing James crying. His Tita Grace said that he woke up because of the noise outside. I went inside and found out that he can't sleep very well. Mejo mababaw ang tulog nya. I changed clothes and lay on my space of the bed. Well, it's not actually a bed, parang may sobrang nipis na sapin lang kami sa floor then the play mat that we bought sa SM. I was expecting every night when I came home that I can kiss and hug James but what I have been seeing lately is that, Nanay Isa was hugging him at night na para bang sila ang mag - ina. There were time pa na mas magkatabi pa sila kesa sakin. I just feel a little jealous kasi I can't kiss James goodnight before I sleep. It kinda saddened me because I have my 8 hours spent at work + the 4 hours of back and forth ride from home to office vice versa. I only have 1 to 2 hours to hug him and get a chance to watch him while he sleeps but it doesn't happen now. I was so sad that night that things are coming thru my mind that he was closer to someone rather than me, you know? A mom guilt? I mentioned on my previous post here that he doesn't want to be carried by anyone else but me naman. I think he just got use of Nanay Isa since they were only the two of us while Im at work. Although he still does that when he sees me, it's like if I am not around, he'll go to the next familiar face he recognize, I still feel jealous. I have chosen to work in the day though I know it might not be enough to cover our expenses just to be with him at night, so that I have the time to cuddle, kiss and talk to him while he sleeps. Alam nyo yan mga bakla! That's how badly I want to co-sleep with James. In the morning when James wakes up, he wants to play immediately. With that, Nanay Isa would look after him while I sleep a little longer. I'll be up at 8am, by this time, James is bored and wants to be carried already. I will carry him not because I want him na masanay sa karga but this is the only chance I get to at least have him close to me. There were times that he still cries kahit karga ko na sya, you know that cry that wasn't really a cry? but an inarte cry? I wanted to find out what he wants and what would I do to at least to know him better but Nanay Isa will get him from me and will go out of the house then he will stop crying for a while. Alam nyo naman si James, anak ng gala kaya kapag nasa labas ng bahay, kiber nya sa world. I was a bit shy naman to tell Nanay Isa that I want James in the morning and she just have to look after him while I'm away and when I am home, I'll be in charge. By the way, if you're new in reading this blog, Nanay Isa was my Nanay's (my Mom) younger sister. She was sent here in Manila to look after James while Nanay is in Surigao.

Last night naman, James was still awake. I was told that he woke up because of the noise of our neighbor again but usually, James sleeps even when there where noise around. Walang pakealam yan. We have been co-sleeping together for 9 months and there was this one night that he woke up for some reason and played a little but soon enough he went back to sleep. I just don't know what happened last night, he's awake and wants to play. One thing that I really don't like is that if James are being dragged to sleep. First, it was frustrating for him and the baby sitter and two, I don't want na lagi syang tinatakot. He is scared kasi with Tita Grace's voice lalo na kapag sinisitsitan sya. It was quite annoying that night. If it was me kasi, what I'll do is to let him play kasi when he get tired naman,  he will go back to sleep on his own which happened naman that night.

I am also not the OC type but I really hate when James' clothes were being washed along with someone else's clothes, even my own clothes. I want his things to get on the laundry first. I also doesn't want to have his clothes to be hanging outside our house hanggang gabi. I think there were some clothes na nung nakaraang araw ko pa nakikita. I got it earlier this morning and found out na some are still kind of wet and doesn't smell good. Hayyy.. =(

I was thinking if I am a SAHM, I could have had my precious time spent to my son but hey, I have to sacrifice that just to make sure he'll have his diaper and other necessities. I remembered just now, James' Tita Fraulene said ; "sakripisyo lang talaga" which I now understand quite well.

Mommy Fleur was right, you will get use with the guilt of being a WM but from time to time, susundutin ka ng kunsensya mo. All I think of is that I have to do this because this is for his own good, this is for our future and the best of all, it doesn't make me a less of a mother to him right?

I just hope tonight when I go home, he's sleeping well so I can hug him and kiss him and watch him habang nakanganga sya matulog.

That's it. Bow!