One Nostalgic Night

Last night, I came home from Sunshine Mall Plaza in FTI where Daryl’s working, I saw James already asleep. I always ask my Mom kung kakatulog lang ba nya. The reason is, kung kakatulog lang nya, for sure 3am to 5am na ang gising nyan para manghingi ng milk nya pero kapag mejo matagal na syang tulog, windang ako nun for sure kasi puyatan ito.

Like what happened last night nga, he slept daw kanina pa, so that means magigising sya ng madaling araw at mag iinarte at iiyak at dadapa at sisigaw ng sisigaw.

I slept na din after a while para di ako masyadong mapuyat.

And I was right! He woke up at around 12am to ask for his milk, I gave him one. We went back to sleep after. I noticed that he woke up again at around 2:53am to be exact, he was crying ng slight, hinayaan ko lang sya while making sita of ‘ssshh’ so for him to find out na may kasama sya.

After a while, naramdaman ko na lang na dumapa na ang lolo nyo. I am half awake naman to check on him, ewan ko ba. Siguro it was really like that when you become a mom na. During my happy-go-lucky days, I sleep all day everyday. Mantika nga daw ako matulog eh. But now, konting ingit ni bagets, automatic na ang eyes ko na dumidilat. Parang vampire lang pag nabuksan yung casket.

Hahahah. =)

While he was enjoying lying on his tummy, hinihimas himas ko yung likod nya. For so many times I thought he was asleep na pero bigla nyang ibabangon yung ulo niya. Until he got tired and cried, that means I have to get him na makahiga.

I gave him milk and saw him sleepy.

I became so dramatic afterwards. I missed being with him 24/7. The feeling of having him sleep on my arms. We often do it kasi when he was newborn. He seemed to sleep well kapag nakahiga sya sa arms ko until mangalay na lang ang kamay ko then I’ll put him on his pillow na.

He has grown na somehow and I don’t know what are his bisyo na nowadays. Although my mom tells me stories about how James’ everyday, I still want to see it myself. But how? I have to be working.

I wanted this. I wanted the feeling of providing him anything and everything that he needs. I don’t want anybody spending money on him, yung para bang binubuhay na sya ng ibang tao kasi I can and I will do it myself. I wanted James to know that I was the one who sacrificed a lot for him kasi I am his mom and it’s my responsibility. Aside from that, I am the type of person na ayokong ginagastusan ng ibang tao because I don’t want to hear any sumbat in the future.

Nagpapanting talaga ang tenga ko kapag ganun.

I want James to learn to be independent like how my mom taught me. I want him to provide well for his own family in the future kasi I know somehow, if he did the right thing when he’s grown up, that will reflect on me on how I taught him and molded him to become a person he has been. Alam kong malaki ang role ko as his mother and I want to feel every single bits of it.

I got so nostalgic talaga kaninang madaling araw.

I placed him on my arms and just hugged him. I felt him not feeling at ease, baka magising ko pa sya so I placed him back in his pillow to sleep.

Ganun talaga siguro if you became a mom, nagiging madrama no?!

Now I understand kung bakit ang drama ng nanay ko.

Hahahahah.

Dear James,

I was looking at you last night kahit Mama is so sleepy na. You looked so cute. I noticed mejo maliit na yung sando mong suot. I wonder why Nanay didn’t make you wear your new clothes. Hmmm.. I’ll tell her later. You woke up this morning really early. You were shouting again, as you always do every morning. I overheard Nanay saying “ano? Hindi ka na pinapansin ng mama mo?”. I woke up dahil dun. Pinilit kong gisingan ang puyat kong diwa. That wasn’t true James. Siguro Nanay just got used na whenever you wake up, I’ll go up regardless of how puyat I am just to attend to you and find out why you were shouting at 5am or 6am in the morning. I just got so tired nowadays, Jami. Maybe because I have been jogging and busy thinking about my figure. I have realized I shouldn’t. You will only  be at this stage once in your entire life so I should be there. I should watch you grow. I can’t be somewhere else but with you.

From now on, I will limit those days of not coming home late. I will try my best to be the one to tuck you to bed to sleep so we can sleep together. I’m sorry though that I can only spend my wholeday with you only on weekends but I love it though. I chose to get this job so that I can sleep with you at night and have our “us”time on weekends. I hope you will understand someday that I am working because of you and not because of anyone or anything else. I want you to have the best that I can provide.

I dreamt of you, I wanted you and now that you’re with me, I’ll try to be the best mother you can have.

I love you James.

Love,

Mama